Last Spring, we went through a tough parenting period with
the decision of where to send our son to middle school. We live in a very diverse school district
with a lot of school choice options. It
was an interesting experience for me to talk with other parents who were
simultaneously engaged in the school selection process. I enjoyed sharing perspectives and ideas, but
I also found that some parents felt strongly that they needed to offer some
corrective advice. There were also those
that felt they had to fiercely justify their school decision because we were choosing
a different path.
The process made me reflect on why we are critical of one
another as parents. Seriously, isn’t it
hard enough?! I know that as a new
parent, I was quick to make assessments.
The words, “I’m never going to do that with my kids”, may have been uttered. I think I was also quick to offer my newly
found parenting wisdom and advice. But
those years are LONG gone. I have grown
a lot as a parent over the past 12 years and along the way I have learned some
valuable lessons. The combined take-home
message from those lessons is that we really shouldn’t judge one another. We should love, support, laugh, listen, pray
for, and cry with one another…and recognize that we all are doing our best to
help our children become the best they can be.
I want to share just a few of the lessons I’ve learned and
the reasons I think we should all show some charity and cut one another a
little slack as parents.
Lesson
#1: We are different people.
Would you raise my children differently than I do? Absolutely!
You are a different person. I’ve
learned this lesson so many times over in 12 years that it is almost
laughable. I think most of us go through
the stage early in our parenting when we read a lot of books, imitate parents
around us, and take a lot of advice. In
the end, we learn that what works for us is what mostly aligns with who we are
innately. I am my best as a parent when
I am being my best self. When I am
taking advantage of my personality, talents, passions, and strengths, parenting
is more workable, enjoyable, and successful.
I’ve been given some incredible advice from some incredible parents that
completely bombed in our home. Why? It just wasn’t me.
I remember just after baby #4 was born, I had two women in
my family call to offer some reassurance and support. These two women are some of the most
phenomenal mothers I know. They are
creative, patient, and accepting in ways I can only hope to someday
attain. Both of them talked about
pairing down life… “Don’t worry about routine.”
“Don’t bother taking your other kids to school/preschool.” “Just make sure everyone gets fed.” I couldn’t do it. In fact, it was the opposite of what I needed
to do for who I am. I needed a return to
routine and normalcy to get back on my feet physically and emotionally. Was their advice bad? No. Would
it work for me as a mother? Absolutely
not.
As I have gotten older and more secure in my “me-ness”, I’ve
really enjoyed seeing how my friend’s personalities flavor their
parenting. I love my laid back friends
who can ignore the mess and engage their children in an activity. I love my ultra-organized friends who can run
6 children to many different activities and not get flustered. I love my patient friends who are phenomenal
listeners and can drop everything to talk with their children. I love my fun friends who can turn a normal
day into a super cool spontaneous adventure.
And I love knowing that I am not them and that is okay. They are not me. We all get to bring who we are to the table.
Personality absolutely spills over in how we choose to
manage our children’s behavior. We all
have different perspectives and priorities.
I do STRONGLY believe there are traits and skills every parent should
strive to develop and demonstrate: love,
kindness, patience, gentleness, consistency, to name just a few. I also believe we can strive to emulate the
best in one another. Every so often, I
do something spontaneous with my kids.
Occasionally, I manage to ignore the mess and let them take over my
kitchen. But every single day, no matter
what, I do my very best to love them the best I can.
Lesson #2: We are parenting different children.
While this sounds like a “no-brainer”, it was a hard one for
me. I spent years beating myself up
because my children wouldn’t behave just like our friend’s children. I had one dear friend in Ohio who would line
up her 5 children on the bench at Church where they would politely (and
quietly) sit and color for the entire meeting.
That has NEVER happened on our bench.
I don’t have those kids. I can’t
make my kids that way. And most importantly,
God doesn’t expect me to. I truly
believe that God sends our unique children to us for a reason. He has sent me a whole batch of smart,
dynamic, emotional, strong, and LOUD children.
I don’t know why. I do know that
it isn’t easy. My kids are challenging,
but they are mine and I love them with everything I’ve got. I have had a lot of painful parenting experiences dealing with this lesson. (We’ve had a couple just recently at Church.) Every so often we will encounter an adult who has never had to deal with a child like ours. Those adults are often critical and impatient. I have watched them blame my children and I have felt their judgment towards us as parents. It hurts and it isn’t fair. I’ve shed many, many tears over the things I have had said to me about my children. My kids aren’t broken or bad because they are passionate and intense. Likewise, your kids are broken or bad because they’re quiet or shy. God sent us different kids. On purpose.
We all should feel confident making our parenting decisions based on the unique needs of our children. I have developed deep respect for several families who have chosen to home-school their children because they were inspired to know that it was the right thing for their children. Doug and I spend many hours seeking out specific coaches, teachers, and mentors who we feel will understand our children and show them the love they deserve--even on their most difficult days.
No one can know what it is like to be me, dealing with the
children I have every day. Conversely, I
can never know what it is like to be you…in your home with your children. What
we can do is seek to love and accept one another’s children. We need to recognize that each of our
children is a child of God on their own personal journey of growth. They are in different places learning
different lessons. When I taught middle
school, I dealt with over 200 adolescents every day. Before each day began, I took a moment to
stop and reflect that every child who walked through my door was a beloved child
of God—the happy ones, the angry ones, the disobedient ones, the helpful ones, the
disorganized ones—every one of them. And
they all deserved to feel His love through me.
It is lesson I try to continue to live each day.