I feel somewhat bad that I haven't taken time to write in a few months. I'm disappointed that I haven't done a better job of following through with my goal of blogging. The reality is that I haven't had much time or much heart for anything but getting through life day by day.
It has been a long school year for our family. Sometimes we get to this point in the year and I feel like we just started...I can't believe it is almost time to move on. Not this year. I look at pictures from a few months ago and I can hardly remember what happened. I feel as if we have struggled our way through one day at a time. I'm exhausted. Fully spent.
I've always been a hard worker. I've always been efficient. I've had many people express their amazement at how I can "make things happen" and "get things done". But even I am amazed at what I managed to do this school year--Be the wife of a medical resident, mother four children, PTA President, 20 piano students, substitute teach 2-3 days a week, care for our home, help friends, coach a Science Olympiad team, play for the school choir, and so much more. I realize that I've had a lot of sustaining help from angels--heavenly and earthly--this year. I really couldn't have done it alone. I couldn't have done it at all.
I also realize there are a lot of things I haven't done. There are opportunities and experiences I have missed because I have been so busy. (Or so exhausted from all my work that I had no desire left to do much of anything.) I have done a horrible job on my Church service which has left me carrying a huge load of guilt and frustration. I haven't read to my kids at night. I haven't practiced instruments with them. My house is messy. I forgot to color the milk green on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm filled with both pride over what I have accomplished and grief for opportunities lost. BUT, the reality is that I know I was supposed to carry this heavy load. It was my burden for this time.
It was the right thing for me to be the PTA President. I know that I have been blessed to help support our family by teaching piano lessons for the past 12 years. There are experiences my own children could not have had if I hadn't sacrificed my time with them to teach others. I also know that it was very important for me to substitute at the elementary school. I have needed that experience to help me answer some personal questions, make valuable friends, and gain much needed insight.
And in just the same way I knew I was supposed to pick all these things up, I know it is now time to set them down. I feel strongly inspired to pull in and reset. I need to re-center my life on my home and my children. There are people and activities I will miss about my crazy life, but I have an overwhelming sense of peace when I think about simplifying and slowing down. The burdens are no longer mine to carry.